Travails of a Writer

TRAVAILS OF A WRITER

Since time immemorial (well, since the early 80s actually), I have had this itch to write; not notes but an article, a letter to the editor, anything which would enable me to see my name in print.

There it would be; my name, at the top or bottom of the article, in bold letters, spelt correctly. Then the article would be read and re-read a number of times, and shown to everybody who cared to see it and also to those who did not but had no choice like juniors, parents, friends, milkman etc.

In college, my two day effort at one crossword, half a dozen limericks and one poem for the-to-be-revived (for the nth time) college magazine, went unrewarded due to the magazine’s inexplicable stubbornness and refusal to get revived.

A few years hence, an article of mine was published in the Spring Term 88 edition of the Naval Academy magazine, ‘Jyoti’. My name too, I believe, was mentioned - though correctly or not, I still don’t know because, by the time the magazine was printed, I had passed out (literally, waiting to see my name.)

Thus to date, I have still not seen my published effort. Hopefully, some kind soul will, after reading this article (that is, if they have got this far) send me a copy of that magazine, dozens of copies of which, must be lying forgotten in some dusty corner of the Naval Academy library.

It should have been third time lucky but alas! It was not to be. My succinct, imaginative and brilliant account of INS Udaygiri’s picnic to Rushikonda beach in Visakhapatnam did find a niche in the ‘Bay News’ but without acknowledgement of authorship. Obviously editorial wisdom decreed it inappropriate to confer proprietary rights to such a ragged article. (Though I would prefer to put it down plain professional jealousy or ego hassles, which always prevail between writers and editors.)

For a long time after that, I was stuck to writing exams and notes, returns and reports; though in 1990, I did go through that once-in-a-lifetime exhilarating phase of romantic writing (and boy! Was the target completely bowled over!)

Of late, having found time at last, during the third week of April 92 (three extra holidays), I have decided to give it one more try.

- May be I would get lucky.

- May be my article would be accepted.

- May be the magazine would see the light of the day.

- May be my name would appear in print.

- May be it would be correctly spelt.

- May be I could even get hold of a copy, see my name in print and show it to all and sundry.

Yeah! May be! Maybe the Sun would rise in the West!

(For those interested, the author did get lucky. This article did get published in a Naval magazine, the author got a copy of the magazine, saw his name in print and his name was correctly spelled)

Gaurav Agarwal

April 1992

TIPS ABOUT THE FACTS OF WIFE

- By Gee 49

(Dedicated to Tulika – my wife & love of my life – and to the wife of the ex-DMET marine engineer)

The First & Second Rules of Marriage

* You can afford to miss your own wedding. But you cannot, repeat cannot, afford to miss your wife’s brother’s wedding. Marital life will turn into martial strife. So plan your contracts accordingly.

* If you think that you are at the top of your wife’s affection list, just forget it ! Her father & brother were always there ahead of you. And the children overtake you on arrival.

Pregnancy Priorities

* Always be there to hold you wife’s hand in the pre-labour room. Otherwise you’ve had it & will never hear the end of it. So don’t leave signing off till the last minute. It’s not worth the risk of missing the birth of your child.

* While in the pre-labour room, you will get dirty looks from the nurses on duty. Don’t get worried. It’s just that they ‘blame’ you for your wife’s pains. In other words, it’s all your fault (as usual !). In fact, in this one case, it had better be your fault !!

* Don’t leave the hospital to go the nearest bar for a quick fortifier, while your wife is in labour. Because if you miss the delivery of your child, YOU’VE HAD IT!

Statistically Proven Facts of Seatime

* Relax ! Don’t drag your child to the nearest DNA fingerprinting centre, if after your return from a long contract (& no shaving), your two year old calls you ‘Uncle’.

* It has been statistically proven beyond doubt that the neighbor / coursemate always stays on ship for shorter periods, has better runs, gets home more moolah & is always around in times of domestic crises.

* It has also been statistically proven that children will contract exotic diseases or hurt themselves seriously when Papa is away at sea & Mama is all alone.

* In short, it has been statistically proven, that whatever has to go wrong on the domestic front, will go wrong when you are away at sea. AND IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!

* Get one thing very clear early in life. While you were at sea, you were having a good time. Now, when in between contracts, get down & do some real work at home. Understand.

* Do not leave sailing till you have taken your wife around the world at least once. Otherwise she will always be after you to go back to sea, leaving your cushy shore job.

Bachelor Days

* You had better be able to convince your bride that your coursemates were just kidding when they loudly asked in front of her ‘Is she the same one ?’

* If you have sown too many wild oats in pre-marriage sailing periods, plead with your coursemates & friends not to disclose your indiscretions to your wife. Of course, you can also threaten to disclose all their misdeeds (real or otherwise).

* Woo, wine & dine your fiancée during your courtship days, with no holds barred, because those times will never return. More importantly, after marriage, they will help her survive the long lonely days while you are away at sea ‘enjoying’ yourself.

Domestic Do’s & Don’ts

* Advise you wife that she should not call your ship a boat.

* If you are the C/E of a ship, impress upon your wife not to make loud adverse remarks about the AC in the Smoke Room. The AC is your responsibility & the deck officers will never let you live it down.

* When you come back from a contract, never point out cobwebs & dirty tops of refrigerators to your wife. Else, the next minute, you will be cleaning them.

* If you want to improve your wife’s cooking, casually praise the cooking of a coursemate’s wife.

* Always praise a woman’s cooking. Lack of voluble & elaborate praise is taken as a sign of bad cooking, especially by mothers-in-law.

* While in between contracts, how much ever you help around the house, it never is enough. So you may as well not help at all.

* Never teach your wife driving. Let her learn professionally. The extra cost is well worth the continuance of marital peace.

* How much ever you earn, your wife can spend it faster. But never question her when you come back from a contract & find a zero bank balance. After all, it was she who ran the house while you were away at sea, enjoying yourself in exotic ports, eating exotic food, meeting exotic people, doing exotic things (& hopefully not contracting exotic diseases).

The Final Rule of Marriage

* His money is their money. Her money is her money. Period.

(Gaurav Agarwal, 3049, 1981-85)

TIPS ABOUT THE FACTS OF WIFE – PART I

The First & Second Rules of Marriage

* You can afford to miss your own wedding. But you cannot, repeat cannot, afford to miss your wife’s brother’s wedding. Marital life will turn into martial strife. Convincing your boss is your problem.

* If you think that you are at the top of your wife’s affection list, just forget it ! Her father & brother were always there ahead of you. And the children overtake you on arrival.